Alcoholic Humor-Hilarious Headlines

Neil Scott Host of Recovery Coast to Coast Radio Interviews Tom Cahillane

2011-12-15T19:45:00.000-08:00

Trust Me I'm An Alcoholic - Book Of Bar Jokes By Tom Cahillane

2011-11-20T14:58:00.000-08:00

You May Be TaliBan If...

2009-03-30T12:42:00.000-07:00

The US troops in Afghanistan proved they have retained their sense of humor, one of them sent this. "YOU MAY BE TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

Forwarded to A/H by Ally B.

I bet this sign doesn’t help (1) community relations or (2) sell this house!

2009-03-29T18:51:00.000-07:00

Remember that when selling a home, you are legally required to disclose everything that is wrong with it ...
Forwarded to A/H by Marge B.

Woman Gets 3 DUI's in 3 Days

2009-03-27T04:53:00.000-07:00

Associated Press, March 26, 2009.
Article from The Sheboygan Press
SHEBOYGAN, Wis. – A 60-year-old Washington woman arrested for drunken driving three times in three days while vacationing in Wisconsin has been sentenced to a month in jail. The woman was arrested first at 2 p.m. March 11, 2008. A deputy saw her try to drive out of a ditch, wearing only one shoe and had a blood-alcohol level of 0.21, authorities said. The legal driving limit is .08.
Twenty-four hours later, the woman was arrested after her car got stuck in snow in a park campground that was closed for the winter. The woman told an officer she had had four or six cups of wine.
"I am still finishing up the box of wine in my car from yesterday," authorities reported she told the officer.
Authorities found a box of Black Fox wine in the car.
The woman spent 12 hours in jail. She was released and headed west, but was arrested a short time later after someone reported her driving "all over the road," according to a police report.
An officer found a partial bottle of wine in her car. She had a blood alcohol-level of 0.16.
Court records released Wednesday show the woman was sentenced last week to 30 days in jail and fined more than $3,000.

The Law of the Garbage Truck

2009-03-26T20:06:00.000-07:00

One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.
So I asked, 'Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!' This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, 'The Law of the Garbage Truck.'
He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.
The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so..... 'Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't.'
Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it.
Author Unknown

Perrier Bottle Gets Erection

2009-03-24T09:43:00.000-07:00

Forwarded to me by Bob W.

Banned From Wal-Mart

2009-03-22T15:31:00.000-07:00

A drunk middle-aged Iraqi man has been arrested at the Iraq Wal-Mart Store located in Bagdad. Authorities claim the man is currently banned from Wal-Mart until after his execution next week.
In addition to the charge of being intoxicated, apparently Wal-Mart camera surveillance has video of the following allegations.

1) Took 28 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts.

2) Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

3) Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

4) While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the anti-depressants were.

5) Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

Wal-Mart made a press release later that day and stated the man was probably just having some fun and agreed to lift the ban after the man has been executed.

This joke was forwarded to me by Bob W. and I hope Bob doesn’t execute me for re-writing an email that was forwarded to him.

The Philosphy of Beer

2009-03-20T09:18:00.000-07:00

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous - yes.
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar - effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, and your children - Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, and your car.
The sand is everything else. The small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.
"Take care of the rocks first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

This Surgeon Likes Bourbon Too Much

2009-03-20T07:02:00.000-07:00

When I first watched this commercial I became angry over the fact that Carl's Jr was making fun of alcoholism. But after I thought about it WTF so do I. It's a funny spot about a surgeon who needs his bourbon.

Best Doctors Note Yet

2009-03-19T13:11:00.000-07:00

This note was posted on DIGG today. The guy posted the doctors note along with a message that reads..."This Dr is a Dick!" I actually feel sorry for the guy who made the post because he still thinks denial is a river in Egypt.

I laughed so hard I had to add it to my site. If you're having trouble reading it just click on the note to enlarge.

Heaviest Element Known To Science Discovered

2009-03-18T21:44:00.000-07:00

Laboratories have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
(This email was passed on to me by Dennis M)

Daddy Drinks Because I Cry

2009-03-15T15:20:00.000-07:00

Photo from http://bgatesinkampar.blogspot.com

Ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.

2009-03-11T19:13:00.000-07:00

(Submitted by Marge B)
Important women's health issue

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.

Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.

Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing
to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can
overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past.

You will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.

Margaritas may not be right for everyone.

Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However,
women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:

Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration
Erotic lustfulness
Loss of motor control
Loss of clothing
Loss of money
Loss of virginity
Attraction to the same sex
Table dancing
Headache
Dehydration
Dry mouth
A desire to sing Karaoke
WARNING:

The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING:

The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING:

The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING:

The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

For St Paddy's Day!

2009-03-03T09:12:00.000-08:00

What It Means To Be Irish:

1) You will never play professional basketball.
2) You swear very well.
3) At least one of your cousins is a fireman, cop, bar owner, funeral home owner or holds political office.
4) You think you sing very well.
5) You have no idea how to make a long story short!
6) There isn't a big difference between you losing your temper or killing someone...
7) Much of your childhood meals were boiled.
8) You have never hit your head on a ceiling.
9) You spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling in prayer.
10) You're strangely poetic after a few beers.
11) You are, therefore, poetic a lot.
12) You will be punched for no good reason...a lot.
13) Some punches directed at you are from legacies of past generations.
14) Many of your sisters and/or cousins are named Mary, Margaret, or Eileen...and there is at least one member of your family with the full name of Mary Margaret Eileen.
15) Someone in your family is incredibly cheap. It is more than likely you.
16) You may not know the words, but that doesn't stop you from singing.
17) You can't wait for the other guy to stop talking before you start talking.
18) You're not nearly as funny as you think you are...but what you lack in talent, you make up for in frequency.
19) There wasn't a huge difference between your last Wake and your last keg party.
20) You are, or know someone, named Murph.
21) If you don't know Murph then you know Mac. If you don't know Murph or Mac then you know Sully.Then you probably know Sully MacMurphy.
22) You are genetically incapable of keeping a secret.
23) You have Irish Alzheimer's... your forget everything but the grudges!
24) "Irish Stew" is a euphemism for "boiled leftovers."
25) All of your losses are alcohol related (loss of virginity, loss of drivers license, loss of money, loss of job, loss of significant other, loss of teeth from punch...) but it never stops you from drinking.

2009-02-25T16:36:00.000-08:00